Im ugly

I'm ugly today

C got shots two days ago which i fully believe in but ever since it's been world war 3 in this house. On top of that she has a cold. Poor girl is the most miserable being on the face of this earth. In return she has passed that mood onto me and not only am i tired and miserable, I am uglier than ever.

As if I didn't think I was attractive before pregnancy and motherhood I certainly haven't been feeling up to par these past 15 months. Lets start with the disgusting stretch marks that linger as a constant reminder you will never wear a bikini anymore. I have them so bad on my thighs. THIGHS!!! wtf?? I've never even heard of that! I mean everyone gets them on their stomach but of course I would be the one to get them on my thighs so I can surely never wear short shorts again (like I ever would). Alas I am cursed to wear mom pants the rest of my life because of these disgusting ugly marks on my body.

Check out my hair lately? on the rare occasion it's shampooed it is even more rarely blow dried and styled. You are better off not mentioning anything because I am already aware of the train wreck I have become. My 15 month old stylist has all the new and latest styles for hair these days and most of them involve pulling, ripping and teasing it until it's one ratty disgusting ugly mess that is better off getting shaved.

Wanna hear about my boobs? Too bad you have to anyway! before I had a baby I was perfectly content with my small b cup little adorable boobs. When I got pregnant they blew up into huge porn star D boobs yet remained perky and wonderful. Friends even commented they couldn't believe how big they had gotten it was like a christmas miracle! I'm not gonna lie i was loving the attention.... Well fast forward a year later and after 10 months of a baby sucking them dry they are now saggy, flat, floppy, wait for it...... MOM BOOBS!!! I have mom boobs now and i cannot stress enough how ugly they are now.

What is going on with my nose? Pretty much all last winter it was dripping, crusty, red, and sore. I'm so sick of being sick! It's so annoying. I knew when I sent my child to daycare i would have to deal with various ailments but the whole winter is a little ridiculous and I didn't think I would catch everything as well! Seriously it got to the point people at work were just used to the tissues everywhere and the new Rudolph look that seemed to linger for months. I even think one week I went in healthy and it was the big news of the day! My face is so ugly all the time with a tissue usually attached to it.

How about my attitude? it's so rollercoastery (yes I made that word up live with it) lately that I don't know how Mike even deals with it. No wonder men don't understand women! I don't even understand myself lately. Days like today are so frustrating. I know my baby is moody and miserable because she doesn't feel well so I want to comfort her and soothe her but when she is just screaming for hours I also want to lock her in a room and walk away. I go from extreme nurturer to extreme sociopath in a matter of minutes. Add a male into the equation and the monster emerges! I can't begin to tell you the ugly things that my moods do to me on any given days. It's crazy!

So Yes I am extremely ugly today! I took a 5 minute shower in between tantrums, Shaved one leg, filled the garbage with dirty tissues, haven't combed my hair in a hot minute, am moody and wearing the hottest sweats you could ever imagine. Who the fuck cares?? So what? I have the greatest thing any hot women couldn't dream of having. I have a miserable little whiny girl. I have a snuggly sick little peanut. I have Charlotte. She makes me feel beautiful (I know cheesy) She reminds me everyday what has come of the stretch marks and saggy boobs. She reminds me that I'm not the only sick one all the time and that mama is always the best medicine. She reminds me that no matter how bad a day I am having it is still the greatest day of all because she is in it, she is mine... and will be forever

Am I hurting my child with her food?

So I read an article in Slate that argued organic food for kids is a waste of money. The piece offers a great look at some of the science behind pesticide levels in fruits and veggies, and the conclusion is that parents shouldn’t worry about whether to buy organic or conventional fruits and veggies — we should just buy more of them.

Unsurprisingly this article lands smack middle in a huge debate that seems to have no end. On one side you have the rich snobs who feel vindicated when they purchase pricey organic foods for their elite private school educated child. And on the other side you have parents like me who are afraid to purchase foods laced with pesticides but unable to afford everything organic. 

The article makes some compelling points that are well worth considering: Organic food contains pesticides, too. Washing fruits and veggies can reduce the pesticide load substantially. And most definitely, conventionally grown fruits and veggies are way better than none at all. Also I read in a different article from the Huffington post that the pesticides used in organic foods are made from all natural ingredients that break down easier... so even so if thats the case it still has to be better right? or is a pesticide still a pesticide? Ugh I'm so confused! 

WTF is a pesticide anyway? What does it do? Am i slowly killing my child by giving her foods laced with them? Will I slow her brain development or cause her to get autism? You may laugh at these statements but they are very valid questions we just can't seem to have answers for. So science doesn’t tell us what these pesticides are actually doing in young kids’ bodies and brains. Maybe at such low levels they are completely harmless. But it’s possible that at even low levels, these molecules can have subtle effects that animal studies couldn’t possibly detect. The fact is that some pesticides — at some debatable level — are getting into kids’ bodies from food. 

So yes, feeding your kids a strict organic diet will lower their pesticide load, this study suggests. And feeding your kids conventional fruits and veggies will create a pesticide load that’s way lower than the EPA’s best guess about the amount that can cause harm. But the truth is that no one really knows how these compounds behave in a growing body. Such studies almost impossible to do. As someone who needs to feed a kid, I do what I can when I can. Baby C usually  eats conventionally grown food. I wash her food well. And I realize that like anything having to do with how to raise a baby, I’m working with imperfect information and try not to let it faze me. There’s a lot we don’t know. 

I want to rememeber the bad

As Charley is nearing in on a year a flood of emotions sweeps over me. I cannot believe she has been on this earth for a whole year! I feel like I was just taking the 5 pregnancy tests to make sure I was for sure pregnant. I feel like I was just waddling around in 100 degree weather praying for her to make an exit. I feel like I was just in the hospital getting my first glimpse of the most beautiful thing in the world, kissing her eyes and lips and not believing she was actually mine to keep. I feel like it was just the other day that she rolled over, sat up, ate solids, and stood on her own.

How is it seriously possible that my little tiny baby is almost a year old Toddler? How will I ever remember this past year when so much is happening. Heck I haven't even had time to blog about our adventures. It seems like life is so good but I want to remember the bad.

I want to remember waking up 3 times a night, being entirely exhausted and thinking you cant do it anymore. I am so glad this phase is over but I want to remember how much my little girl depended on me for comfort, food, and love. As she is growing into her own independent self and feeding herself,  I long for the days where I nursed her to sleep or held her bottle because she was to little. Though it seemed like those 10 months of waking multiple times a night would be my breaking point and the shittiest time of my life, it was a special time for us.We were always happy to be together even if we were the only ones up at 3am. I will miss those sweet smiles.

I want to remember the crying. As I have evolved as a mother i have learned to communicate with my non verbal baby. I have learned what cry means she is tired, hungry, or in pain. Though we can't talk to each other yet I have learned for the most part how to tell what my baby wants. In the beginning there were times I was at my wits end because I had tried everything and I still had no idea why she was crying. (Seriously baby WTF do you want???). Though these days seem so far in the past I want to remember my little baby crying her newborn cry and thinking we were helpless in the situation.

I want to remember the sicknesses. Though every mother's worst fear is for their child to get sick it is inevitable. It will happen and it will be more than once. I want to remember the first time she got a cold and how scared/worried I was. Taking her to the pediatrician and having them tell me there was nothing I could do was the dumbest thing at the time so I had thought. When she came down with Hand Foot and Mouth disease and had sores/blisters all over her body I want to remember the sadness that i felt and how i wish I could have taken away all her pain. I want to remember her sick snuggles and lying int he rocking chair for a whole day because she didn't want to do anything else.

I want to remember the poop. Whether it's the times she went in the bathtub (somehow this only happens with I bathe her) or the times she exploded out of her diaper often times presenting a war zone of liquid shit all over my leg. This seems to happen when you least want it to. After a long ass day at work, or when you are stuck with a mess and no one around to help you. Everyone poops and sometimes it's just fucking disgusting.

I want to remember my lack of life. Before I became a mother it was possible to lay on the couch all day if i felt like it, or take daily naps. Laundry was never an issue and always done. I never had to worry about what's for dinner because I could live off of cereal and expired milk. I loved going out for a drink on the weekends and seeing a movie whenever I wanted to. Those days are gone forever! Now my saturday evenings are spent reading 5 little monkeys to a girl who would rather rip the book out of my arms and eat it. Bed time is at 9 pm because thats when exhaustion sets in from the days events. The last movie I saw?? No idea. 

It's easy to remember the good, I mean that's where memories are made! Whenever anyone talks about their baby you usually only hear the good and while that is all fine and dandy, people want to know that you are struggling too. It's ok to mention the lousiness. Not every moment with a beautiful baby is perfect and it never will be. There will be bad times and there will be good. I want to remember the bad because unlike most people I look at it like a challenge and obstacle that I have overcome. Each bump that I pass means I have done something right once again. We don't appreciate what we have nearly as much if everything is candy and roses. Life throws us some bad to keep us on our toes and to let us know that although you appear to be doing great, it's ok to admit you are having a "Shitty" day 

 

There Ashley this was written quickly for you! sorry it's all over the place :)

Slow down please?

Babies grow too fast!!

It's the common cliche you will hear all too many times when you are pregnant and it will go in one ear and out the other. The truth of the matter is, all of those people are right! Just yesterday I gave birth I swear!

Nope! That was almost 9 months ago! I'm starting to plan a 1 yr old birthday party already! how is that even possible? My teenie tiny girl is pushing 20 pounds now and has the wonderful inherited thunder thighs. Just yesterday she was wearing newborn clothes and swimming in anything larger. Now she fits comfortably in 12 month clothes!

Seriously stop growing!

I know as statistical averages go, most babies double their birth weight by 5 months and triple it by a year and I just think that's amazing. I mean could you imagine doubling your current weight in 5 months? its Insane!

And it's not even the size that grows so impressively, it's a babies intellect, and motor skills. I mean in a matter of a few months a baby turns into a blob that cries and poops, to something that can walk and talk. Just the other day I had Char in her highchair and she was playing with her bottle. All of a sudden she threw her head back and starting drinking it on her own! WTF! I didn't know she could do that! You mean I won't have to feed her anymore?? You mean she doesn't need me for that anymore?? :( Stop it!

You want to know why babies grow too fast? It's because we are always waiting for the next step and not enjoying the current state. For the fast few months we have been working on crawling and failing at every attempt. In the meantime thoughts of "Omg she's behind" and "Is something wrong with her" rush through my head on a daily basis. Though all babies grow and develop at a different pace you always want yours to be ahead. We are so focused on the future and what she's going to be doing we are not enjoying what she is doing now.So what if she doesn't feel like crawling right now, she can clap and dance. Thats AMAZING!!!

Ugh! I wish I had thought of this when I was focused on her rolling over, or sitting up. As a parent it's natural to want to see your kids blossom into the next stage/chapter of their lives but in the present and all encompassing now we take for granted what is going on. Slow Down. It's as easy as that. That annoying thing your parents always told you when you are grown up can not be taken literally and applied to your current state. Enjoy every moment and phase when they are happening and forget about the future because it will be here wether you dwell on it or not.

We live in a world where fast food is the new slow food and you can order anything you want and have it to your house the next day. Ridiculous! Slow down people! I mean what's the big rush? Can't we just stop and enjoy life for a moment? Can't we just embrace the moment and forget about the future? I mean I'm all about the next step and moving on but living in the moment is what has been lost in this hyper driven world. The future will be here whether you rush it or not so you might as well slow the fuck down in the process.

SO.... Charlotte Khaleesi, You crawl when you want to and you take your time walking because I love everything about you in the now and I don't care about anything else. Time is going by way too fast so why rush it even more with making you do things you just don't want to. Slow down and enjoy every moment with me because soon you will be big and not want your mommy around. I love you more everyday and don't realize how lucky I really am to be your mother. You are perfect and I love you so much.

Friends... What are they?

Cue the sad Violin music...

I have no friends anymore.

It's true I can't even remember the last time I interacted with someone who is not accustomed to blowing raspberries and silly faces. I knew having a baby would change things but I didn't realize it would be this drastic. Sometimes I feel like because I have a baby I am shunned from fun. I don't get invited to go out anymore because I have responsibilities. Well F that! I want to go out and have a drink! I want to go to the movies, and I want to eat a dinner that is not cold and reheated 3 times!

Before I had a baby I wouldn't have really called myself a kid person. I didn't really know what to do with them let alone their parents who I thought were in a totally different world than myself. I thought they were too busy with their baby to hang out and have some wine let alone gossip about the world. Their fun days are over and now are committed to a life time of monotonous tasks revolving around an 8 pound blob. I would say these friends with children were so foreign to me I avoided interacting with them for lack of understanding how their lives really are.

Is that really what this is about? Are people afraid of me? Did i turn into an alien the second I gave birth? Am I in a different world?

Well guess what? Having children changes nothing! Just because I have a 7 month old doesn't mean I don't want to go out an have a few too many! Who would have thought? Pre kid me would say that is irresponsible and judge current me to the moon and back. Having a baby doesn't mean I don't have time to hang, watch movies, or grab something to eat. I want to do all those things! Now even more than ever. I NEED to get out of this place! I'm sick of watching mickey mouse!  I'm turning into a crazy recluse and will soon start making voices for my cats... (actually I already DO that). I'm not some scary person that is above the rest of the world just because I bore a child.

Now I do admit time moves a lot faster when you have kids. days can easily turn into months and before you know it it's been 6 months before you have seen some of your good friends but this needs to end. I'm sick of spending friday nights at home renting a movie and stopping it 7 times to take care of a baby. The world gave us grandparents for a reason and that would be Babysitting! I love my daughter but I need to get the F out of here! I need some time talking in a normal voice with people that already know their colors and ABC's. Is that so hard?

I know this sounds incredibly whiny but lately it just seems like there is no one who understands how I feel. I feel like my only friends are my 4 legged creatures and my baby that cries all the time. I do feel like an alien on a different planet who just isn't understood anymore.  Maybe I am... Be bop boop

Men are the worst

Yup I said it and I know every mother  is thinking it at some point no matter how "perfect" your life is.

Men. Are. The. Worst.

Did you know it's 7am on a Saturday morning and I'm writing this blog while my husband is in the bedroom watching tv/sleeping? I've already fed the baby, pumped, changed her, let the dog out, done a load of dishes and made coffee. Now she is happily jumping in her jumper. Who knew all this could be accomplished at such an early weekend hour? Well you can't....If you have a penis

Why is it that the simple things seem to become such hard and tedious tasks when men enter the scene with a newborn? Take cooking for example. Easy right? The other night I came home after working 12 hours starving and tired. We were having a simple meal of chicken tenders and fries where all that is entailed is throwing the frozen pieces on a pan and shoving them in the oven. Simple task....WRONG! I get home at 7:30 and the pan is out, the chicken tenders are on another counter, and the fries are on the table. All still Frozen! WTF! It's not hard to throw things on a pan and put them in the oven. It literally takes 10 seconds yet this simple task could not be preformed due to a "fussy baby" Hello!? I could cook a four course meal half blind and with one arm with a fussy baby! You mean to tell me Chicken tenders and fries were Impossible?! Sheesh! Needless to say My tired and starving ass also became grumpy as well that night!

Also why does it always look like a tornado came twirling through my house when my husband is left alone with the baby? I swear it makes no difference if it's 12 hours or 12 minutes, the amount of destruction will be no less in a short period. Saturdays I work till noon so my husband is responsible for feeding her when she wakes up, changing her and playing with her. Who knew these three simple tasks would mean there would be dirty clothes every where, dirty bottles/bowls in the sink and living room, and worst of all, a dirty husband who of course could not find 5 minutes to take a shower the whole time i was gone! Why is this? All you have to do it put her in her bouncer give her a toy and run to the shower. Not hard! But when it comes to men these easy tasks are nearly impossible. and usually Mom gets stuck picking up the mess created by the daddy monster! Hell I can vacuum with the baby in one arm!

Another thing men suck is at dressing the baby! I swear up and down sometimes they do it on purpose so they will never get stuck dressing them again but then I realize they really do try and just have no concept of what looks good or not. Green socks do not go with anything except this color green, just learn that it's not hard! Also why does it seem to take 2 hours? We will be getting ready to go and his simple task will be to get her dressed for the day. I'll have loaded the car, filled the diaper bag, made sure we have food, let the dog out and run three miles on the treadmill by the time he has gotten her pajamas off one leg! I mean what is he possibly doing with her the whole time?

Selective hearing is another thing men are really good at and seem to perfect when a baby comes along.
Him: "Oh honey last night was a good night she only got up once!"
Me: "&%$@ you!" As I was up 4 times!
Seriously? You did not hear her screaming? at all? You did not feel me nudge you and ask you to get her then said "no" and rolled over? Miraculously you don't seem to remember that either? You didn't hear me sobbing quietly in the room while feeding her because I was at my wits end? I mean seriously are you deaf? Nope! Just a man!

Why also do men have such a less tolerance for anything when it comes to the baby? If she is having a fussy day I get stressed out but I deal with it. Men will come home and be ready to throw in the towel after 5 minutes of the same crap I have been dealing with all day! What the hell! Why when the baby is screaming and we have tried everything he gets frustrated 10 times quicker than I ever would? Leaving me to take care of her when she is the most upset. It's soooo annoying and I just don't understand it. Babies cry! get over it and relax!

Along with the Tolerance of anything horrible lets just add on a little exaggerating! Men are the absolute worst exaggerators when it comes to anything with the baby. Good or bad. If she was crying for 5 minutes it turns into 2 hours! (cue the sad violin music) Bah! I'm not an idiot I mean seriously who do you think I am? I know he is just trying to gain sympathy and it's not going to work! I deal with the same issues every day. Lets all just move along. Also if he "takes" the baby away to give mom a break suddenly an hour turns into 4. "Honey I was good today, I took her for 4 hours while you napped". BS.. Again I'm not an idiot and believe it or not I do know how to tell time.

Ok That being said.... My husband is the greatest father I could have ever wished for my child and I will never say otherwise. The amount of love he has for her is simply out of this world and he totally went beyond my expectations as a father when she entered this world. I love that the first thing he goes to when he gets home is her pretty face and won't leave until he gets a big smile out of her. I love that he kisses her head and tells her she's the prettiest baby in the whole world on a daily basis.  I love when he falls asleep with her on the couch with his hands folded on top of her so she is safe. I love when we go somewhere new and he wants to take her out of the carseat to show her off because he is proud of his little girl. Most of all I love his nightly routine and his "5 Kisses" she gets every night before bed (One from him and I, and one from each pet). He made that up and the little things like that make every annoying man habit forgotten because even though he is frustrating at times, I would not change him for a second. Nothing is sexier than seeing your man in love with your little girl.   

Hard days are hard.

I'm having a rough day today. Nothing I seem to do is making my baby happy. I have tried playing with toys, bouncing, jumping, rocking her, feeding her, singing to her, giving her teething tablets, you name it and I have done it. Just when I seem to get a handle on the whiny situation, the cries happen yet again. I might possibly have the most miserable baby today and it's just so hard to live with that. It's so hard not to be able to communicate with your child and have them tell you exactly what is wrong! I could deal with the whines a lot better if I knew the source of them. I just want to make things better and days like this I just feel helpless. There is a tiny speck of a tooth emerging on her lower right gums but it's been there for 4 days and I think teething is a scapegoat for every time your baby has a moment of unhappiness.

Though most days are so enjoyable, sometimes as I mother i have a hard day. I am so frustrated I could scream and the day is only half over. My husband will get home from work, go to the bathroom to take a 20 minute shit, with no comprehension of my level of stress. After a half hour he will finally take her and become frustrated within 5 minutes of witnessing her attitude. Why is this? Why do men have such a low tolerance to anything difficult when it comes to babies? Why can't they do anything when they are alone watching them? Why does it all of a sudden seem like you are caring for two babies when they are together? Ugh! I could go on and on.

I have the most miserable baby today and i'm having a hard day but mom's don't get a break no matter how stressed we become. Days like today make me appreciate my mom a lot more than I ever have. Maybe that's why days like this happen. I mean life can't be flowers and roses all the time. Even the prettiest of roses have a bad day and wilt but it makes you value the days that are good all the more. Even though I'm having a hard day and my husband may come home and make it even harder for me, in the big scheme of things I am much better off than most people. I may have a grumpy baby today but she is still cute in the process and tomorrow will be a better day!

Hard days are hard but I'm blessed in every way!