Sunday, February 23, 2014

Men are the worst

Yup I said it and I know every mother  is thinking it at some point no matter how "perfect" your life is.

Men. Are. The. Worst.

Did you know it's 7am on a Saturday morning and I'm writing this blog while my husband is in the bedroom watching tv/sleeping? I've already fed the baby, pumped, changed her, let the dog out, done a load of dishes and made coffee. Now she is happily jumping in her jumper. Who knew all this could be accomplished at such an early weekend hour? Well you can't....If you have a penis

Why is it that the simple things seem to become such hard and tedious tasks when men enter the scene with a newborn? Take cooking for example. Easy right? The other night I came home after working 12 hours starving and tired. We were having a simple meal of chicken tenders and fries where all that is entailed is throwing the frozen pieces on a pan and shoving them in the oven. Simple task....WRONG! I get home at 7:30 and the pan is out, the chicken tenders are on another counter, and the fries are on the table. All still Frozen! WTF! It's not hard to throw things on a pan and put them in the oven. It literally takes 10 seconds yet this simple task could not be preformed due to a "fussy baby" Hello!? I could cook a four course meal half blind and with one arm with a fussy baby! You mean to tell me Chicken tenders and fries were Impossible?! Sheesh! Needless to say My tired and starving ass also became grumpy as well that night!

Also why does it always look like a tornado came twirling through my house when my husband is left alone with the baby? I swear it makes no difference if it's 12 hours or 12 minutes, the amount of destruction will be no less in a short period. Saturdays I work till noon so my husband is responsible for feeding her when she wakes up, changing her and playing with her. Who knew these three simple tasks would mean there would be dirty clothes every where, dirty bottles/bowls in the sink and living room, and worst of all, a dirty husband who of course could not find 5 minutes to take a shower the whole time i was gone! Why is this? All you have to do it put her in her bouncer give her a toy and run to the shower. Not hard! But when it comes to men these easy tasks are nearly impossible. and usually Mom gets stuck picking up the mess created by the daddy monster! Hell I can vacuum with the baby in one arm!

Another thing men suck is at dressing the baby! I swear up and down sometimes they do it on purpose so they will never get stuck dressing them again but then I realize they really do try and just have no concept of what looks good or not. Green socks do not go with anything except this color green, just learn that it's not hard! Also why does it seem to take 2 hours? We will be getting ready to go and his simple task will be to get her dressed for the day. I'll have loaded the car, filled the diaper bag, made sure we have food, let the dog out and run three miles on the treadmill by the time he has gotten her pajamas off one leg! I mean what is he possibly doing with her the whole time?

Selective hearing is another thing men are really good at and seem to perfect when a baby comes along.
Him: "Oh honey last night was a good night she only got up once!"
Me: "&%$@ you!" As I was up 4 times!
Seriously? You did not hear her screaming? at all? You did not feel me nudge you and ask you to get her then said "no" and rolled over? Miraculously you don't seem to remember that either? You didn't hear me sobbing quietly in the room while feeding her because I was at my wits end? I mean seriously are you deaf? Nope! Just a man!

Why also do men have such a less tolerance for anything when it comes to the baby? If she is having a fussy day I get stressed out but I deal with it. Men will come home and be ready to throw in the towel after 5 minutes of the same crap I have been dealing with all day! What the hell! Why when the baby is screaming and we have tried everything he gets frustrated 10 times quicker than I ever would? Leaving me to take care of her when she is the most upset. It's soooo annoying and I just don't understand it. Babies cry! get over it and relax!

Along with the Tolerance of anything horrible lets just add on a little exaggerating! Men are the absolute worst exaggerators when it comes to anything with the baby. Good or bad. If she was crying for 5 minutes it turns into 2 hours! (cue the sad violin music) Bah! I'm not an idiot I mean seriously who do you think I am? I know he is just trying to gain sympathy and it's not going to work! I deal with the same issues every day. Lets all just move along. Also if he "takes" the baby away to give mom a break suddenly an hour turns into 4. "Honey I was good today, I took her for 4 hours while you napped". BS.. Again I'm not an idiot and believe it or not I do know how to tell time.

Ok That being said.... My husband is the greatest father I could have ever wished for my child and I will never say otherwise. The amount of love he has for her is simply out of this world and he totally went beyond my expectations as a father when she entered this world. I love that the first thing he goes to when he gets home is her pretty face and won't leave until he gets a big smile out of her. I love that he kisses her head and tells her she's the prettiest baby in the whole world on a daily basis.  I love when he falls asleep with her on the couch with his hands folded on top of her so she is safe. I love when we go somewhere new and he wants to take her out of the carseat to show her off because he is proud of his little girl. Most of all I love his nightly routine and his "5 Kisses" she gets every night before bed (One from him and I, and one from each pet). He made that up and the little things like that make every annoying man habit forgotten because even though he is frustrating at times, I would not change him for a second. Nothing is sexier than seeing your man in love with your little girl.   


  1. Very honest and sweet :) and fyi....they don't change..... everything will always be up to you - all the time. But hey - thats why were awesome right?

  2. Lol I wanted you to know that I was reading so hopefully you will keep writing - I loved Kristinas too - but she stopped :(