Thursday, July 31, 2014

I want to rememeber the bad

As Charley is nearing in on a year a flood of emotions sweeps over me. I cannot believe she has been on this earth for a whole year! I feel like I was just taking the 5 pregnancy tests to make sure I was for sure pregnant. I feel like I was just waddling around in 100 degree weather praying for her to make an exit. I feel like I was just in the hospital getting my first glimpse of the most beautiful thing in the world, kissing her eyes and lips and not believing she was actually mine to keep. I feel like it was just the other day that she rolled over, sat up, ate solids, and stood on her own.

How is it seriously possible that my little tiny baby is almost a year old Toddler? How will I ever remember this past year when so much is happening. Heck I haven't even had time to blog about our adventures. It seems like life is so good but I want to remember the bad.

I want to remember waking up 3 times a night, being entirely exhausted and thinking you cant do it anymore. I am so glad this phase is over but I want to remember how much my little girl depended on me for comfort, food, and love. As she is growing into her own independent self and feeding herself,  I long for the days where I nursed her to sleep or held her bottle because she was to little. Though it seemed like those 10 months of waking multiple times a night would be my breaking point and the shittiest time of my life, it was a special time for us.We were always happy to be together even if we were the only ones up at 3am. I will miss those sweet smiles.

I want to remember the crying. As I have evolved as a mother i have learned to communicate with my non verbal baby. I have learned what cry means she is tired, hungry, or in pain. Though we can't talk to each other yet I have learned for the most part how to tell what my baby wants. In the beginning there were times I was at my wits end because I had tried everything and I still had no idea why she was crying. (Seriously baby WTF do you want???). Though these days seem so far in the past I want to remember my little baby crying her newborn cry and thinking we were helpless in the situation.

I want to remember the sicknesses. Though every mother's worst fear is for their child to get sick it is inevitable. It will happen and it will be more than once. I want to remember the first time she got a cold and how scared/worried I was. Taking her to the pediatrician and having them tell me there was nothing I could do was the dumbest thing at the time so I had thought. When she came down with Hand Foot and Mouth disease and had sores/blisters all over her body I want to remember the sadness that i felt and how i wish I could have taken away all her pain. I want to remember her sick snuggles and lying int he rocking chair for a whole day because she didn't want to do anything else.

I want to remember the poop. Whether it's the times she went in the bathtub (somehow this only happens with I bathe her) or the times she exploded out of her diaper often times presenting a war zone of liquid shit all over my leg. This seems to happen when you least want it to. After a long ass day at work, or when you are stuck with a mess and no one around to help you. Everyone poops and sometimes it's just fucking disgusting.

I want to remember my lack of life. Before I became a mother it was possible to lay on the couch all day if i felt like it, or take daily naps. Laundry was never an issue and always done. I never had to worry about what's for dinner because I could live off of cereal and expired milk. I loved going out for a drink on the weekends and seeing a movie whenever I wanted to. Those days are gone forever! Now my saturday evenings are spent reading 5 little monkeys to a girl who would rather rip the book out of my arms and eat it. Bed time is at 9 pm because thats when exhaustion sets in from the days events. The last movie I saw?? No idea. 

It's easy to remember the good, I mean that's where memories are made! Whenever anyone talks about their baby you usually only hear the good and while that is all fine and dandy, people want to know that you are struggling too. It's ok to mention the lousiness. Not every moment with a beautiful baby is perfect and it never will be. There will be bad times and there will be good. I want to remember the bad because unlike most people I look at it like a challenge and obstacle that I have overcome. Each bump that I pass means I have done something right once again. We don't appreciate what we have nearly as much if everything is candy and roses. Life throws us some bad to keep us on our toes and to let us know that although you appear to be doing great, it's ok to admit you are having a "Shitty" day 


There Ashley this was written quickly for you! sorry it's all over the place :)

1 comment:

  1. Awwww! I'm so sad it took me so long to read it! But I'm still glad that I did :)